My next 30 years...

No, this blog is not about the Tim McGraw song. :O haha

Thirty years ago tomorrow (June 21st, but knowing my tomorrow will be crazy, I post this today!), I was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocitic Leukemia. As a "high-risk" patient, older than the usual age of diagnoses, and it being the late 80s, my chances for leaving the hospital were a bit grim. All that being said - here I am, 30 years past expiration date - alive!

I was perusing the statistics on survival…the amount of us who have had secondary cancers and other life threatening illnesses due to the treatment of our cancers is mind boggling. I truly am lucky that all of my "long tern/late term side effects" of years of chemotherapy and radiation have been limited to chronic illnesses, auto-immunity diseases, and some geriatric issues! Then, there are the children - yet again, blessed to be in the limited group who have actually been able to bear kids!

Experiencing cancer and the thirty years that have followed - all of it has taught me a plethora of attributes and values that I doubt I would have gleaned without the experience, at least not at such a young age! Understanding the frailty of the human body instilled a true value of life and the importance of expressing to loved ones their value - to see the person inside, not the shell. It taught me patience - hours waiting for doctors, blood tests, procedures, and treatments will do that to a kid! Twelve hours for a blood draw, doctor visit, a unit of plasma, and chemo most definitely is only passed with patience!

Bravery and courage - the two are actually different. Bravery is having the mental and moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty. Courage takes that a step forward - it ventures, preservers, and withstands danger, fear, or difficulty. (Thank you to Merriam-Webster dictionary.) My experiences taught me both, in facing the truth of what was happening, of whatever bone marrow biopsy or spinal tap was on the horizon (bravery) and then to withstand it (courage).

Compassion towards others, true empathy and understanding, no matter how the person looks or acts, is something that became a part of me. Usually young kids and teens aren't around too many others who are missing an arm or leg, are bald, have odd scars on their bodies, or the likes. This was part of my life, whether in the hospital, at the clinic, or at cancer camp, I was surrounded by kids and teens who didn't "look" normal. Seeing past whatever is "different" about a person, seeing them - who they really are, is experience that I gleaned through those years and have held onto til this day.

Perseverance, despite the mountain looming ahead or the years it will take the climb it, knowing all the while that hardships will abound - again, something ingrained into who I was and became. This is something from my mom's journal and my after thoughts, added a few years later.  My mountain: two and a half years of chemotherapy, radiation, blood tests, surgeries, bone marrow biopsies, spinal taps, shots in the arms and legs, hospitalizations; with side effects ranging from nausea and vomitting to balding, weight gain, fatigue, hearing loss, and pain. It was my mountain with two and a half years to climb. (Mom in black, me in red.)

June 22, 1988 (Wednesday, talking about Tuesday) 6:41AM, at Oakwood Apartments

Yesterday was overwhelming. In the morning after, not much rest and fitful at that…Dr. Groncy came in and did the bone marrow test. Mark was there, too. God’s grace was so evident, Beth was great! But oh how I hurt and felt sick at what she had to go through. Lord, thank you for keeping her IV line open.

The things that I remember – My nurse put some meds in my IV that made me feel a little groggy, but not sleep. Many nurses came into the room with the doctor, apparently to hold me down (which was much scarier than the thought of a pencil size needle going into my help - I am so claustrophobic!) They agreed to not hold me down (I was on my stomach) as long as I didn't move. I didn't move an inch! Dr. Groncy had a very difficult time getting the marrow out and literally had to be on top of me to pull it out. A small piece of bone even dislodged! I remember that dad had to leave the room, red-eyed, and trying not to be sick. Mom also told me that she prayed that she wouldn’t have to throw up watching the test. I didn’t move at all and the nurses started to leave, one by one, which made me feel more at ease, even with the doctor grunting at the pulling!

Mom and Billy, Mark, Beth, and I all went to a conference room after the bone marrow. The social worker, psychologist, and Jo (the nurse) were there as well as Dr. Groncy and Cindy, our day nurse. Dr. Groncy said that Beth has leukemia. Today we will find out the specifics for treatment and chemo will begin today.

I remember this, as well – I think the main reason why I remembered was because there were a lot of people in the room and everyone was so somber, minus me and my brother, who now goes by William. I didn't understand the gravity of how ill I was or exactly what was beyond the horizon, though. I just felt that finally, after months of  feeling unwell, something was going to make it better.

10 :40PM, June 22nd (Wednesday), 1988 – the Hospital

Beth had a rough day – blood work drawn, the bone marrow, a nuclear (injected) heart study. 

Today we got Beth’s treatment schedule from Dr. Groncy. It sounds so scary.

For that, I was a bit bored, quite frankly. Mom and Dad were handed a thick stack of papers with drugs, schedules, side effects, and the likes. I could see mom was overwhelmed, though – even though she tried not to act like it. I didn't grasp the gravity of what I was looking at - literally, the next two and a half years of my life were written in ink. 

If I continued to divulge the many lessons learned through those years, it would become pages of a book - which it very well may become someday! My last thirty years: all the above, finishing school, traveling the world and living in four more states, marrying my college sweetheart, giving birth to three miracle children, writing a novel, teaching high school homeschoolers, homeschooling my own kids, creating and running a non-profit for pediatric bone marrow transplant kids…being a part of an amazing family, meeting and cultivating life-long friendships, growing hair (!!), and being alive! As for my next thirty years? Who knows - watching my kids grow up and have lives of their own, witnessing various penned pages publicized, growing old with my husband, still having hair (!!), and alive!

Here's to all of our next 30 years!