Job opportunity: Motherhood
Experience/schooling required: Birthing mothers - Legally, none. Adopted mothers - see below, the list is extensive and exhaustive.
Pay/hour and year: $0
Compensation: See below, must read entire job description and requirements first.
Duration of job: Infinite, 18 plus years of full time work. Year 19-death - part time work and full time concern, worry, and second guessing your job performance in the first 18 years. There is no definite end date for this job and, unlike most jobs, quitting is not optional.
Hours: 24 hours/day, 7 days/week; 52 weeks/year (add additional day/four years for leap year).
Vacation Days: subject to the Employees support of family and friends.
Physical Requirements:
For birthing mothers: First 9 months of job - must be willing to gain at least 20 lbs over a 9 month period of time (although, it is more likely to be 30+) with the understanding that it will not go away after the 4-12lb child is born. Must be willing to endure nausea, breast pain, general fatigue, aching bones, swift kicks to the stomach, ribs, and sides (from the child), comments about your state of being, unsolicited comments and stories about the horrors of child bearing, etc. Note: you must understand that delivery of child could take hours to days, will be painful (from rather painful until an epidural is given to extremely painful if not), will change your pelvic bones permanently, and may present the following: hemorrhoids, ripping/tearing of vaginal walls, prolapsing of vagina, uterus, bladder, and/or rectum, stitches, etc.
For all mothers: Next 1-2 years of job - must understand that sleep is not completed in a normal time frame, often interrupted hourly, and sometimes nonexistent; so must be able to fulfill a rigorous schedule on limited sleep. Buying coffee in bulk is recommended. Must be able to lift and hold, occasionally sway, rock, or bounce the child's 10-30+ lbs for hours at a time. Must be able to bend, twist, squat, and stretch. Changing diapers, bathing, feeding, soothing, etc. are daily requirements. Understand that, at times, any of these activities may result in urine arching unnaturally, feces oozing over changing spaces, spit-up stained clothing (on child and mother), etc. For those feeding via breast, expect pain upon latching, tender nipples, possible infections, leaking breasts, and future sagging ones. Those who are not, expect unsolicited comments about the benefits of breastfeeding, questions to why you are not doing so, an overwhelming selections of bottle, nipple, and formula choices, and the inconvenience of preparing bottles on the go.
Years 3-18: Greatly dependent upon the individual needs of the child, but expect the weight lifting requirements to increase. Be prepared to bend, squat, and pull a flailing child from a grocery store floor after the denial of any demanded purchase. In two story homes, climbing stairs no less than 40 times/day is required - please see your primary physician regularly.
Financial Requirements:
For birthing mothers: Costs of prenatal care and labor, hospital, and other such medical expenses; maternity clothing, nursing bras and pads, and transitional clothing. All the above are the responsibility of the employee and their family.
For adopting mothers: Costs of paperwork, agency expenses, occasionally the prenatal/labor of the birthing mother are required. Again, we do not compensate for adoption costs.
All mothers: Costs of baby care - extend from clothing, diapers, and wipes; to dietary needs, sleeping and playing structures, etc. Note - a car seat MUST be present to discharge a baby into your care and car. Well care, sick visits, etc. are monthly to yearly requirements; insurance coverage for medical expenditures alters these costs from expensive to ridiculously expensive. Expect these expenses to grow, not recede, as the child ages. (For accident-proned children, expect ER visits, costs of casting, stitches, and other such things.) Additionally, power and water bills will double each year - laundry, dirty dishes, lights left on, night lights, water left running, etc. are just part of the cause. Although you may teach your child to turn off lights and faucets, these bills can still be mind boggling - it is advised that you consume a large beverage of choice or valium before reading these bills.
Medical Experience/Requirements:
For birthing mothers: Legally, none - however the ability to apply bandages, deal with screaming and bleeding children, knowledge of first aid, CPR, dialing 911, etc. are preferable.
For adopting mothers: Agency dependent.
Please note, that once the child reaches prepubescent years, understanding of human anatomy and ability to teach/discuss said anatomy to a child, despite embarrassment or discomfort, is required. Not having this conversation can result in negative results. For female children, be prepared for monthly meltdowns, soothing a balled up and cramping child, and irrational emotions. These are normal. They are, however, not singular to the female children. In some situations, your child may have additional, on-going medical needs, from physical to emotional and mental. Examples: ADD/ADHD, autism spectrum, developmental delays, learning disabilities, depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, diseases, cancers, etc. This is not a complete list and, in the case of multiple children, you may have more than one with these on-going needs at a time. You will need to create self-soothing mechanisms for dealing with these needs and suggest discussing these with other mothers. (Although we have extensively searched for stores selling sanity, unfortunately, none have this in stock…ever.)
Emotional Requirements: A strong emotional/mental constitution is required to deal with the non-stop, loud screaming and crying, sometimes for hours on end. Must be able to either reproach or ignore incessant whining, screaming, tantrums, fighting, door slamming, more whining, flailing, shrieking, lying, blame placing, more excessive whining, irritating sounds, music and lyrics that you hate, mind numbing television and movies that "help the cognitive abilities of your child," hitting, biting, slapping, scratching, poking, repetitive activities, still more whining, spitting, booger picking, poop smearing, crayon marks on walls, broken valuables, food and beverage stained floors and furniture, even more whining, singular obsessions, lost library books, soiled clothing, etc. Note - however annoying, frustrating, or disheartening, expect unsolicited advice at all stages of Motherhood - from friends and family to complete strangers. You will be told how "they" did it, what you should be doing, what you are doing wrong, and the various ways you should improve. To avoid self meltdowns, hiding in the closet with wine and/or chocolates, please grow a thick skin and remember that they do not have exact duplicates of your children and are not you. Although they might have an idea of your life, they do not live it, so take their "advice" with a grain of salt. However, from those who love you, do keep an open ear and mind…especially if words come from those who have raised children of their own - they may have some unexpected pearls of wisdom and (hopefully) are only speaking to help, not hurt.
Job expectations:
Birthing Motherhood - To carry and birth a child, pounds ranging. Please note: alcohol, drug, and tobacco consumption is not allowed, shellfish and raw fish to be avoided, and there is a list of pharmaceuticals to be cautious about. Please consult your prenatal physician for this mind boggling information.
Adopting Motherhood - hours of endless paperwork, raised and dashed hopes of possible babies/children, uncertainty over the fact that the birthing mother can change their mind, understanding cultural rules and structures (if adopting outside your country or origin), intrusive home visits and classes. (Note, although not listed above, do not be surprised by questioning from strangers about your purpose for adopting or assumption that your significant other is of a differing ethnicity, if the child's "race"is not the same as yours.)
All motherhood - Care for the daily wellbeing of a child, from infant to adulthood - feed, clothe, change, bathe, clip nails, soothe, etc. Your role is not limited to caregiver. You are also expected to be their teacher (always in practical life skills; however, there is a separate form for those taking on the role of homeschooler), psychologist, fight mediator, life guard, cook, housekeeper (cleaning, laundry, etc.), personal shopper, sounding board, etc. A general understanding of the legal process is recommended - as you should expect your child to argue his/her case from toddler to adult stages. These additional roles may vary, spouse/partner/other help dependent, and may require more or less than listed. Also, as we can not guarantee an "easy" baby; therefore, rolls might vastly differ in degree of difficulty. Multitasking is a must, this includes being constantly interrupted or changing both pace and place in a nearly inhuman way. You may believe that superpowers would be preferred, but understand these are fictional. We do not expect you to contain these, even if your expectations do not parallel ours. Please understand that you must not expect gratitude for this job. In the teen years, you may be loathed and hated (or at least claims of such). Do not apply for this job if you cannot accept this.
Side effects of job:
Birthing mothers - Weight changes, hormonal havoc, and emotional distress over your roles for the job are all expected in the first 9 months. (As well as those listed in the physical requirements section above.) In the following months to years, in addition to these: change in the state of your vagina, altering size and position of breasts, aching back/joints, etc.
All mothers - Expect wrinkles, graying hair, occasionally thinning of hair, physically appearing older than you are, scars, and other such changes to outward appearance. (Note: At some point, you will be the one giving unsolicited advice, most likely, without realization. This is a side effect of Motherhood.) Bragging about your awesome child - this is a side effect from disillusionment or actually having that one overly exceptional child. In the case of the latter, please be considerate to other mothers in your gushing, as they may not have one as brilliant, beautiful, obedient, or stellar as yours. In dealing with the deluded ones, smiling and nodding is generally the best tone to take, as you can not reason with the disillusioned. If you are that mother, well…we are sorry.
Often, an unexpected side effect occurs, in the form of understanding more about your own mother. The results from this understanding can vary from gratitude and closeness to some "aha" moments.
Benefits: If you have read this far, you are prepared (or at least believe yourself to be) for this job. These vary from individual to individual, but general benefits are observing a string of "firsts" (first bath, first tooth, first solid food, first step, first night of full sleeping, first haircut, first day of school, etc.); watching a tiny infant grow into a full grown adult, with all changes along the way; experiencing a "never-dull" existence, full of adventures and heart glowing moments; etc.
The benefit that most of our employees agree upon, however, is the love. You can expect to understand love as you never have before - selfless, full hearted, not dependent on the other person, never ceasing, unexpected love. From the moment you meet, whether in a delivery room or years later in an adoption location, there is an inexplicable love for this needy person of flesh and bones. This gift of joy, opportunity, life - whether your job position is cut unexpectedly short or lasts until you leave this earth, is unique and only a position that you can fill!
(PS - thank you "Green" for your feedback before posting this!!)
